Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Halloween Flashback - Scary

One of my most humiliating and embarrassing memories is on my friend likes to tell.

I run into Tracee at a Church Halloween Carnival and there she is - smoking. It's a church and little kids are everywhere and she's holding hands with her 2 year old little girl and she's just standing their smoking her brains out.

It's embarrassing to think that I smoked everywhere and anywhere with no shame at all for 20 years. Smoking is pretty bad to do in front of kids.

Bizarrely, I always looked down on "secret smokers." You know who you are - the kind who was so ashamed of yourself that you hid behind buildings and lied to your kids about going out to the car 5 times every evening?

Yeah, I thought lying about smoking was worse than the smoking itself. It just seemed so deceptive and absurd to lie to your closest intimate family about who you really are.

Well, looking back I wish I had been a little more ashamed of my smoking. Perhaps if I was I wouldn't have continued doing it for so long. But, then I couldn't really quit without the Chantix and I did quit as soon as I knew about it.

Gotta forgive the self about the smoking.

What is your most embarrasing smoking memory?

12 comments:

srosalia said...

Good Morning... My most embarassing moments smoking are the times I thought no one knew I had a cigarette. Smoking smells and lingers everywhere!
Thanks for your blog. I'm on day 5 of Chantix and doing okay...I think.
Your support is wonderful.

Tracee said...

SRosalia - of course you can do this. It is silly to think we ever thought we were clever or sneeky. Smoking is about the most unsubtle form of self-sabotage. It stinks and lingers.

Go pay to have your car details to get rid of that smoke smell - you deserve it. Dry clean your clothes too.

Anonymous said...

Oh my! So many awful memories...my all time low was smoking in the bathroom of the hospital where I had just delivered my first child..granted, it was a long time ago (smoking was still allowed in hospital waiting rooms, etc..) but HOW gross??

srosalia said...

Thanks Tracee and Anonymouis for your replies.
Yes Tracee, get rid of smoke smell.
I've never smoked in my car. The last time I quit was Jan. 2003 and got the car in 2004. Anyway, smokeless for 4 years 2 months..
I know we can do it.
Any suggestions about the progression to 2 mg a day on day 8?
I feel a bit odd now, but I think it's due to my asthma, yes it starts up whenever I smoke. Also, we just had the fires here in this part of Calif. and my house is dusty. So, hopefully it's not a side effect. Even if it is, you're right again in the analogies to smoking. A few side effects for breath? I'll take 'em.

Tracee said...

I'm right there with that humiliation Anonymous. When I had my baby I didn't have the nerve to smoke in the bathroom - big smoke detector deterent there - but I did go down to the smokers coral and light up in my bathrobe and slippers.

I had just pushed a human out of my body - I NEEDED a smoke.

Tracee said...

srosalia,

Expect to not feel like yourself for the first few weeks. It's only temporary, really. Get some new coping mechanisms in place and you'll be okay.

Anonymous said...

Srosalia, I found it helpful to step up my excercise in the first few weeks...I'm sure you're aware of the possible change in dreams (mine were lovely but some people have insomnia) and the possibility of nausea if you don't eat enough before taking each dose.. everyone's different but I'm sure you'll do just fine! Do you have any idea why you started smoking again after such a long time? I'm really rooting for you!

Tracee, About the most embarrassing bits...AAACK!!! I have three children - what was I teaching them???

srosalia said...

Hi anonymous and Tracee....
I started again, hmmmm, many excuses and reasons, but I think it was a control thing. But boy do I want to kick myself.
Lots of family things going on and this was something I could control....not.....
Thanks for your support. Cigs. do taste terrible and I still feel off, but we can do this.

Tracee said...

srosalia,

You started again. Okay. More information. Does that mean you cheated or you quit quitting and stopped taking Chantix?

Family stuff happens. It always will. You don't have to smoke though. Tell me what's really going on.

srosalia said...

Tracee, Yes...I quit Jan. 2003. (I've been a smoker on and off for about 40 years). I started smoking again this past March.
You're right stuff happens and nothing can be used as an excuse.
I've never tried Chantix before this time.
It's such an awfull addiction and I'm so hoepful that it will be behind me.

Tracee said...

It should be WAY easier this time because A) Chantix takes the edge off and B) You have 3 years of evidence that you can absolutely do this and live a smoke-free life.

Go YOU!

Sandi said...

Thanks!