Friday, October 5, 2007

Holding On

I bought this used mini-van. I was really, really excited that it came with a clicker. I know it sounds trite, but everyone has a clicker now and I thought it was cool that I'd finally have one. It's convenient and it just seems so old fashioned to lock and unlock doors with a key.

I wrote this whole article about buying a mini-van and quitting smoking and how my identity was less Rebel than Soccer Mom at Soccer Mom Transformation Complete.

Okay, so the clicker didn't work. I tried a new battery and the light came on, but it didn't work.

In May I bought that van. Tonight in Freaking OCTOBER I stopped carrying the clicker on my key chain. I had been carrying the click on my key chain everywhere I went for the last 5 months because I wasn't ready to give up on the clicker. I was attached to the idea that it might resolve itself and work. That I would think up a solution that would make it work.

It was hard to let it go. That's just a silly clicker. Irrelevant. Meaningless.

You're attached to smoking and your identity as a smoker. Obviously, that's WAY bigger and harder. We were really, really, really attached to the idea that we could smoke and it would somehow work out for us. And it's super hard to let that go.

It's okay to let it be hard.

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