Linky Loos and Maggie's Mind

Maybe you noticed the nice little blogroll in the side bar? That was made possible through the tireless legwork of one Maggie from Maggie's Mind. Maggie quit smoking with Chantix a 16 weeks ago and she's been spreading encouragement all over the blogosphere every minute since. Her data saved me a lot of leg work and time and I greatly appreciate all her comments on BlogFabulous and here as well.

She's got a great little website called Maggie's Mind. This link, Quitting Smoking Linky Loos, will hook you up with a post you will want to bookmark. It's got the low-down of tons of quitting smoking science articles, resources, websites, quit counters and lots more.

If you want a second opinion, you can always take a leisurely click over to Maggie's Mind where she too will have an encouraging word and the advice of an old Chantix sage.

You ROCK Maggie!

Rewire Your Brain

Kas stopped by BlogFabulous to share some of her concerns about taking Chantix to quit smoking. Although Ive been smoke free from this for 2 1/2 months, I wish I had never taken it. I took it for 1 month and 1 week. Go on some other discussion sites and look at the side effects that people are still having a year after quitting. I quit taking it the day I ran a red light and came to a screeching halt 6 inches from a police car. And sleepwalking outside, waking up with my house clean and not remembering it. No wonder I felt tired after sleeping for 8 hours. Not being able to put a logical sentence together. I have more shortness of breath now than I ever did as a smoker. . . . My opinion- it should never have been approved. Im waiting for the class action suit- and there will be one- I know there will.

Kas, It sounds like you're having a difficult time. If you are sleepwalking and finding it difficult to concentrate to this degree I would think a visit to your doctor is highly in order.

I don't want to make light of your concerns. I too feel more distracted and disoriented.

I think your concerns are valid. But, I think your blame is misplaced. I propose the more likely culprit for disorientation and distraction is addiction not Chantix.

Your brain missing it's usual coping strategy. If you always smoked when you drove and now you don't, your brain is miswired and you don't have anything to replace it.

Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor by any means, so don't hold me liable for my advice which is as a fellow non-smoker with some knowledge about addiction. It sounds like you're ready to sue someone - and I'd like for it to not be me.

I'm just suggesting that maybe it's not the medication - which you stopped taking 1-2 months ago. Consider that it's the lack of smoking which you did for long enough to rewire your brain. If your brain needed it to function and now it doesn't have it that could be why you're so distracted.

I started smoking when I was 13, my brain was still developing. How long did you smoke? Brains continue to make connections with habits and addictions. Being addicted to smoking - or alcohol or crystal meth or Xanex or pain killers or any substance - REWIRES the brain. That's what addiction is. The brain becomes dependent on the smoking to function. You trained your brain to need smoking to complete it's assigned tasks. You even associated deep breaths with smoking, which could be making it difficult for your body to perform even that function without smoking.

It becomes rewired like this: When we drive we smoke. When we transition from task to task we smoke. Before we sleep we smoke. When we wake up we smoke. To relax we smoke. To think we smoke. To work out a problem we smoke.

Your brain connected smoking to helping you think. So of course you're having trouble thinking without it.

The great and wonderful news is that this isn't permanent. This is a side effect of addiction recovery. It happens to every single addict. It's not an issue unique to Chantix use. You have to retrain your brain to do all the things you do without the smoking. It's hard and uncomfortable and will take a while, but it's not a permanent disorientation.

You can try to learn something new to rebuild your brain cells. You can retrain your brain in a learning activity like Kundalini Yoga for Beginners & Beyond or knitting or Seduko or Radica Brain Games or working puzzles like Shape By Shape. If you're worried about driving you might try learning a language from audio tapes like French 101 (Learn to Speak French with The Travel Linguist) while you drive to engage your brain and keep it focused.

This is going to take a while. Lowering our expectations about recovery time is necessary. You quit smoking 2 months ago. That's a very short period of time in terms of addiction recovery. A more reasonable amount of time to adjust to not smoking is one to two years. Your brain will begin to function properly again. You can help it along. Time will work wonders too.

Hang in there Kas. The good news is that you're a non-smoker and if you never go back to smoking, you only have to live through this once.

Smoking and Baby Teeth

Over at BlogFabulous sweet Tara says: I am SCARED TO DEATH. I’ve been ready, ready, ready and now that it is here I keep telling myself no, no, no….I’m not ready!!! Why can’t I remember how I have felt for the last 15 years when it comes to this day? I can’t believe what smoking does to you. I honestly feel it’s worse than an illegal drug. Its availability makes it awfully hard to quit. I am determined. I have been keeping up with the Get-Quit program and wrote my goodbye letter. That felt childish at first, but it is awesome.

What a great idea - a good-bye letter. I suppose in a lot of ways BlogFabulous and Quit Coping is a continuing good-bye letter.

Of course, you're scared Tara. Change is hard and this isn't like I think I'll try short hair instead of long hair this year. This is a change that effects how you react to and cope with life. It touches everything. It touches eating and sleeping and waking and working and resting and feeling and being.

It takes a vast amount of courage to quit smoking. Chantix will make it a different kind of hard. It's not going to be hard like it was going cold turkey or with the patch. Just focus on being grateful for the help taking Chantix has provided. But, then don't dismiss that it feels bad.

The science behind happiness says that gratefulness makes it easier for us to go through hard stuff. Gratefulness makes it easier for us to maintain happiness during and in spite of hard times.

As Robin brought up, we can decide that it is okay to feel bad. Just feel it. Understand that it's temporary and necessary. Understand that you can handle this like you lost baby teeth as a child. It hurt to wiggle, it hurt to pull it out, it didn't hurt all the time, but it was sensitive to eat with and you give up apples and corn on the cob for a while even though they're your favorite foods. Sometimes you cried when you lost one and you're scared that something terrible has happened. It's hard to believe when everyone around you tells you that it's going to be alright - that this is a good thing.

Then when it's gone your tongue goes back to the hole over and over because it's new and feels different. Then a new tooth comes to fill the hole. The new tooth is better and will last longer and will provide necessary nourishment to you. You couldn't chew steak with out it. It will allow you to go back to eating corn and apples. You never get the old tooth back. It's permanent. But, now you don't need it. It was necessary and there was no way around it. Then, when one tooth has it's new place it's time for another tooth to wiggle and annoy and fall out and you replace that one.

Quitting smoking is like having the hole in your mouth. It's function in your life is going to be replaced. It has to be a permanent change and you have all the power to decide what you're going to replace it with. Make it something that will serve you well.

You can totally do this Tara. So can All the rest of you! I join Robin in sending you a virtual Hug!

Holding On

I bought this used mini-van. I was really, really excited that it came with a clicker. I know it sounds trite, but everyone has a clicker now and I thought it was cool that I'd finally have one. It's convenient and it just seems so old fashioned to lock and unlock doors with a key.

I wrote this whole article about buying a mini-van and quitting smoking and how my identity was less Rebel than Soccer Mom at Soccer Mom Transformation Complete.

Okay, so the clicker didn't work. I tried a new battery and the light came on, but it didn't work.

In May I bought that van. Tonight in Freaking OCTOBER I stopped carrying the clicker on my key chain. I had been carrying the click on my key chain everywhere I went for the last 5 months because I wasn't ready to give up on the clicker. I was attached to the idea that it might resolve itself and work. That I would think up a solution that would make it work.

It was hard to let it go. That's just a silly clicker. Irrelevant. Meaningless.

You're attached to smoking and your identity as a smoker. Obviously, that's WAY bigger and harder. We were really, really, really attached to the idea that we could smoke and it would somehow work out for us. And it's super hard to let that go.

It's okay to let it be hard.

Right To Reinvent Self

Quitting smoking is really a total shift in Identity. With a capital "I." This, smoking, was a part of who I was. Am. I identified with I can if I want. You can't make me stop it." Pass all the rules you like and attach all the sin tax - YOU CAN'T MAKE ME STOP!!! I am a smoker! Smokers have rights! F YOU!

Okay, when we become grownups we have to let go of certain things because they become destructive to us. I know that when I try to drink alcohol like I used to I can literally be ill for DAYS now. I just don't recover like I used to and I have to be a MOM during those days. It's just not practical for me to party hard anymore.

But that doesn't mean it's easy to let go of that identity. I think quiting smoking has a lot to do with "growing up." Some people do it at 60, some 40, I did it at 33. There's a right time for everyone - but yeah an alteration in identity is a way bigger freaking deal than just breaking a nasty habit.

But, you have a right to change your mind. Everyone can reinvent themselves. Everyone and anyone can reinvent themselves every day if they want to. Look at Madonna - she does it frequently enough. She does something until it stops serving her and she decides to try something else. We can be like that.

This isn't serving me anymore. I can let go of it. It's hard but I reserve the right to reinvent self. I might try on a few different things before I settle on something that works for me. I even reserve the right to reinvent myself as many times as I need to before I die.

Once you realize smoking was an inherent part of your identity you can take steps to mourn it and let it go and open the doors to reinvention.

That's why I refer to myself as a non-smoker. It's a shift in Identity. One that I'm claiming for myself.

Get Out Of Jail Free Coupons

Jen over at BlogFabulous asked: I do think this time I will quit but I am afraid of what happens once the Chantix is over???

Something else. That's the answer. You have a lifetime to relearn new coping strategies. You don't have to be right the first time. Perfection is not required. If you handle something bad, say your sorry, move on try something else.

Try to pick good coping strategies. Drinking water, taking a grown-up time out, start knitting, deal with the real reasons why you smoked, face some of your fears, get active, think of different choices you can make. Try yoga.

Try not to do this: drink alcohol or self-medicate or over-eat to fill the void where smoking was. That will only create more problems and make you want to smoke more.

When you're feeling any of your feelings that used to be connected with smoking just think Okay, this time I'm going to choose to go for a walk. Or say, Wait, I haven't had a break all day. I'm going to take 15 minutes to do something nice for myself.

Good luck with the boyfriend quitting at the same time. Cut each other slack, lots of slack. Maybe even make some get out of jail free coupons for when one of you tries a coping strategy that backfires.

That way you can let some stuff go. Take the coupon forgive each other and say, well at least you're not smoking, but next time please try something else.

Rebels

It's almost funny that the Chantix people included recommended dosing instructions with their miracle pill.

The think about smoking is this - we did it anyway.

Take this post on Blog Fabulous, and please Robin don't think I'm picking on you in particular because you can read it into ALL smoker's here and what they say:

Robin says: My ‘research’ on withdrawal was not a good idea. :-) I tried stopping Chantix after a week of not smoking. I’m still hanging in there but am going through the absolute meltdowns we all remember from trying to quit cold turkey. I started taking the Chantix again last night and eagerly wait for some relief to kick in. After several days off Chantix I didn’t want to start with the full dose. I’m back up to just over half. Tomorrow I’ll be back on full dose. Don’t do what I did and stop taking it too soon! Chantix does more than I realized. Without the Chantix I’ve gone into full blown panic not having a smoke. It’s been 10 days without smoking so I thought I’d be OK. It was getting so easy on Chantix I thought I didn’t need it. Wrong! I even unsubscribed to this blog. I really missed the connection. It does help!

The rebellious nature of smoking can't be discounted, or it's a mistake if you do discount it. We KNEW smoking was bad for us - how could we not know? In 2005 my 3 year old knew the possible consequences.

But, somehow we all, everyone of us thought WE, specifically me and you, wouldn't get addicted. We were special. We were above the rules. We had enough self control to not let smoking take over our lives. We didn't have to follow the rules because regular rules don't apply to us.

So, this is an extremely hard thing to admit and accept and change about our selves. I'm sure all of us see the same pattern in other areas of our lives.

Who stopped taking the Chantix before the recommended time? Why?

Me - I only took it for two months and then the nausea and the eating regiment became distracting.

We don't want to do what we're told. We don't want to follow the instructions, we don't want people telling us what we can and can't do. Period.

My great big lie is to say I can do it when I go out drinking with other smokers. Realistically I take a big risk and that's how ALL my other quits failed. But, I still want to believe that I can be a social smoker. That I won't be super-hooked. That I can pick up cigarettes and put them down whenever I feel like it. I have the hardest time walking away from the idea that I can smoke sometimes. I just want it and I want it bad.

Well, we have to accept that sometimes we can't have things the way we want them. If it were easy to quit smoking without Chantix none of us would have failed at it before and I think most of us have failed at it more than once.

But, guess what? Robin and me and everyone else just gets to try again. It's not bigger or smaller than that. She's going to get back on the "quitting smoking is hard and I need all the help I can get" Chantix train and she has my full support.

It's okay to need help. You don't have to quit smoking cold turkey anymore and you don't have to have been right.

You can just try again is all. The only real failure is to stop trying.

Virtual High Five Robin. Of course you can do this. This is a big deal and you deserve all the support you can get.

Wandering

Sometimes I wander around the house aimless. Mostly, they are times when I was going to be smoking, but now I'm not so I just sort of pace from room to room like I'm looking for something I lost. I'm not lost, I just don't have something else to fill that void. It's not like there was anything stressful or wrong, maybe I was just bored and so would normally break the monotony by smoking. Maybe I just needed a bread from whatever job I was doing. Maybe my brain just needed some rest. But, I don't realize I'm doing it until I've taken a couple of laps and I'm just standing there slightly confused about my mission.


Anyone else relate?

Ugly Motiviation

Could there be a more motivating photo? I found this on Why Quit.
Contrary to popular addiction psychology that says "quit for yourself," I say quit for whoever you can as long as you quit.

A Lovely Perfume

When I walk by a smoker now I feel embarrassed. I smelled like that. Ainsley's mom smelled like that. I dated people while smelling like that. I kissed my husband and my mouth smelled and tasted like that. Just embarrassing. Icky.
All new non-smokers deserve to buy an expensive perfume or cologne. Cause this is the first time anyone will be able to smell you - without the cloud of stink.
Yeah, you smell great. You smell like you, without the addiction cloud tainting your natural pheromones. You smell like Mom or Dad or Lover or Spouse or Daughter. People have memories of smells that are stronger than anything else. Often you'll hear people smell their shirts when a loved one is gone. At least now, hopefully my kids and husband and extended family won't think "me" smells like an ashtray. I hope that memory disappears from their memory of me. I'm replacing it with a lovely Victoria's Secret scent. What smell do you hope your loved ones associate with you?

Introduce Yourselves

Please tell me your smoking story. Why did you start? Why are you quitting? Is this your first try? I want to support your quit.

Tracee

Fear of Failure

Many people report the fear of failure when thinking about quitting smoking.

Why wouldn't they. Millions of us have tried to quit. Failed. Tried again. Failed.

My habit was to try and fail every day, sometimes more than once. By way of cheating - smoking that one cigarette I would go to the gas station to buy.

My cheating M.O. was that I would buy a single flavored cigarillos, sometimes two and smoke that. The rational being that if I bought a pack I would smoke a pack and that would be a bigger failure. I would only do this in an emergency. Like when I couldn't deal with the cravings or the external stress - more like I couldn't deal with the cravings combined with external stress. I would always cheat (IE: fail) when I felt like a rubber band pulled so tight it was in danger of breaking. Taking Chantix finally took the edge off that and allowed me to finally stop the cheating.

Another smoker gave me this advice: Never quit quitting.

It's pretty good advice. If we redefine failure then we can open the door for success. Is each cigarette the failure? Maybe.

But, the only way to truly fail is to quit quitting. To resign and say "I'm just going to keep smoking." That is failure. The rest of it, cheating, justifying, giving in, emotional turmoil is just part of quitting. At least that's what worked for me. How about you?

Emotionally Out of Control?

Debra over on BlogFabulous writes, I stopped taking chantix 6 days ago, did/does anyone else ever feel like they are/were having trouble focusing on things, or feeling sad/anxious, depressed? A couple of times I felt like I was going to lose total control…..I am Usually a very laid back easy going person. I think the more I took the Chantix the more out of control i was feeling, after 6 days of being off the med I feel more like myself…..anyone else ever feel like this? Kinda scared me…..

Of course we're feeling out of control emotionally. It would be easy to blame the Chantix. But, I think the more likely culprit is that we've lost your coping strategy and a coping strategy is what makes us feel sane, safe and secure. If you feel sadness for instance, your "go to" has always been smoking. Now, there is no established "go to" way to cope.

You always had these "bad" completely normal feelings. We call sadness, anxiousness, depression, and anger negative but they really aren't. They are indicators that you might want to change something about your life.

Every normal life has bad feelings. There are things in this world that are out of our control that make us sad or hurt or angry.

I think you'll start to feel more in control when you find an emotional "go to" to replace the smoking. Exercise, drinking water, deep breathing - choose something healthier this time around. Then make it part of your emotional strategy.

This takes time. Give yourself permission to feel bad feelings for a while.

You have done a brave and wonderful thing by stopping smoking. It's not a little change. It's a magnificently big one. You can do this. You should be proud of yourself. I am proud of you!

Week One - Smoke Your Brains Out

Don't quit smoking the first week. My hypothesis is that the medication works because you keep smoking. It attaches, in some way through the chemicals in your brain, to the addictive act that you keep doing the first week.

Also, allowing yourself to smoke as much as you want to allows you to mentally and emotionally prepare for quitting. It allows you those 3 minutes it takes you to smoke to say your goodbyes to your best friend. You must morn the loss. You must assess what your getting out of smoking and what it's costing you. You have to be prepared to let it go.

Most of the quit is emotional and mental. It's a drastic change in lifestyle. I think what the Chantix does during the first week is important to your quit. I'm not a doctor so I can't scientifically explain how it works.

But, you have one last week to say good-bye. You have permission to smoke without guilt or torment or a feeling of failure for one last week of your life. Embrace it and cut yourself some slack.

Don't raise the bar so high, you can't quit smoking like turning off a light switch. It just doesn't happen that way. You fail if you quit trying to quit. You succeed if you smoke the first week and do the emotional work.

Fair Smair

There is so much in life that's so unfair.

People have different ways of figuring out how to cope with the unfairness. For instance, it strikes me as unfair that some people I know are struggling to find exactly the right themed lamp for their child's designer bed room, while I'm watching my child get physically sick because we can't afford to move to a house uncontaminated by mold.

It's just so unfair. It makes me angry. It makes me sick. It makes me want to smoke!

Unfairness existed before I quit smoking, but now I find myself not knowing what to do with it. The situation is the same, but my "go to" to relieve the stress is gone.

I take deep breathes, chug glasses of water, work, write, and exercise like mad. They're effective, but harder than just popping a cigarrette in my mouth. There's no immediate fix like a rush of nicotine to my brain. The solution is slow and steady rather than a quick fix.

One of the hardest things is just to say, Okay, it's not fair. So what?

Not to get all addict-recovery 12-step on you, but the serenity prayer goes like this:

God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Can I change the spending habits of other people? I can not. Can I change how other people treat others. I can not. Can I make other people compassionate? No. Can I force others to change their perceptions of money? No, siree.

Can I find ways to make more money to change our situation? I can. At least I can try. I can work on this website and hope that the goodness I put out into the world will translate into a mold-free home for my son.

The only thing that is not doing me any favors is getting caught up in the fairness of it all. That's something I just need to let go of - the expectation of fairness. Fairness just has no relationship to reality.

We teach it to our children - Don't take his toy, it's not fair. You have to share with her, to be fair. But, the expectation of fairness holds up emotional progress - at least it does for me. It's difficult to let it go.

Does anyone else get hung up on fairness?

Night Terrors

I've had a few night terrors since taking Chantix. Two of them were while I was taking the medication and one was recently (I weened off the medication about 2 months ago).

Most of my dreams while taking Chantix were more vivid than bothersome. Most people seem to be reporting funny or silly dreams or no dreams. Or the same dreams, but more ability to remember them.

By night terror I mean, for a minute I believed what was happening was real life. While I was dreaming I didn't, for a brief moment, understand that I was not awake. And my dreams took on the nature of horrific. They included real fears I know that I have - my child dying, a divorce. I understand those fears and I know where they come from so they're easier to tolerate and move on from in the morning.

Only one of them - a man with a gun rushing into our bedroom while we were sleeping, me waking to know that I am being shot and there is nothing I can do to save myself or my family. I don't know that I've ever dreamed of my own murder before.

Dreaming that was horrible and it effected my mood for days.

We can turn our dreams off. We have the ability to wake ourselves up. I don't know if you've discovered this ability in yourself. It's a skill I taught myself as a child. It takes some practice but, I think everyone has the ability, if they really focus, to wake themselves. You can just say to your self "I'm asleep. This is only a dream. This will be over quickly. I am going to wake up now."

I teach this skill to my kids too.

But, as I said. This was only a few times and it's still worth it to me to have these dreams and be a non-smoker.

I should also note that during my worst night terror I had taken Melatonin, a natural sleep remedy, that may have effected my dreaming.

Furious Anger or What an Ass#$%& or Why Did I Marry You?

So you are crying a lot and your boss seems to be a bigger Dink than you thought possible and your coworker is a moron and you can't figure out what you were thinking when you married your spouse and the kids must have taken a pill that causes annoying?

Yeah, me too.

Deep breaths. I wish I had better answers. But, this is going to totally suck-ass for a while.

In 2 - 3 - 4
Out 2 -3 - 4
In 2 - 3 - 4
Out 2 -3 - 4

Go hide in your room. Tell your kids you're sorry. Tell your spouse you'd like an issue-free zone for 2-3 months. Cry your little heart out - that's okay too.

Everyone on the planet is crazy. That's the truth of it. You had to smoke to deal with all of these people before. Just because you quit smoking doesn't mean your boss is going to be a different person. Your kids were this annoying before - you just smoked to deal with it.

You have to replace the smoking with a better coping strategy. Drink water. Hide out. Avoid talking to people. Rigorously exercise to get rid of all this anger.

If you blow up or lose it or have a melt down. It's okay.

Tomorrow's a new day. Suck it up and apologize and start the new day with a clean slate.

You can do this and it's worth doing.

Man Dies in Dallas

There have been several stories about the Dallas man who went into an uncharacteristic violent rage his first week on Chantix. He was threatening a neighbor at their door in a furious anger and the neighbor fired through the door, killing him.

The girlfriend reported that he was out of his mind in a dream-state caused by the Chantix. The man had been drinking alcohol.

This was a terrible tragedy that I do not want to make light of. My personal prayers are with his family and his girlfriend and even the neighbor.

However, to the Chantix issue I would say this. We really don't know how Chantix effects the brain exactly. The scientists who invented Chantix really don't understand it.

There is a lot of anger and rage involved in quitting smoking, but I found there to be less rage with Chantix than I experienced without it.

I've always said the best place to quit smoking is in a cabin the woods by yourself or in a padded room with a straight jacket under adequate supervision.

Every medication has side effects and you should be aware of them and weigh the risks and make an informed decision.

But, to let a rare side effect keep you from quitting smoking doesn't make any rational sense.

The side effects to smoking include:
* Death
* Cancer
* Heart Attacks
* Blood Clots
* Diabetes
* Emphysema
* Bronchitis
* Pneumonia
* Bad teeth
* Bad skin
* Being a bad role model to kids and grand kids
* Stink, stink, stink

For me, it makes sense like this: Phillip Morris is more to blame for that man's death than Pfizer as they are the ones who sell an addictive product that makes you homicidal when you quit.

Taking Chantix is worth the risk, I think. Though I have to add, I am not liable for your decisions to take or not take this medication.

To be informed you can go here and here.

Certainly I will add this: These stories do indicate that it's a bigger risk to drink alcohol while taking Chantix. Many users of Chantix report that the desire to drink is lessened while taking Chantix. Drinking alcohol is directly related to smoking, in that it serves as a trigger.

Though I have to add, I am not liable for your decisions to take or not take this medication.

Drinking Alcohol

I have to say - so far Chantix has been a miracle. It’s a miracle that I’m not mentally obsessed with smoking. Even when I have gone weeks without smoking - or during my pregnancies - I have thought constantly about smoking. So far, I’ve wasted almost no mental energy at all on wanting a cigarette. I’ve not been tempted and had only a few urges to smoke when I forgot to take my pill.

This is definately the miracle I’ve been looking for! I couldn’t be happier with it. However, I still haven’t gone out for a girls night and drank. I don’t know if I could do that without smoking. We shall see. Is that required to be a non-smoker?

Answer to self: Yes it is.

If you have a smoke only when drinking alcohol you might turn into an alcholic. Smoking is an addiction. If you continue to participate in it your brain will use your own "only when I drink logic" to get you to drink more so you can smoke.

Mixing alcohol with Chantix is risky anyway. It's risky to drink alcohol when taking medications that effect the way your brain functions.

Day 15, Still Smoking

Still smoking on Day 15 of Chantix?

My question is this: What are you getting out of smoking that you're refusing to let go of?

Have you grieved for your lost right to smoke?
Have you surrendered your precious identity as a smoker?
Are you missing your bonding time with your smoking spouse?
If there's no smoke-break is there just NO break?
Have you mourned the loss of your best friend?
Have you figured out something to do with your hands?
Are you desperate to get out of conversations?
Are you lying to yourself about your level of addiction?

It could, just maybe, be as simple as this: STOP BUYING CIGARETTES.

Get punitive with yourself. Make rules around your smoking if you have to cheat.

Rule 1 - every time you cheat you have to buy a new pack and then throw it away. Smokers have a lose relationship with the value of money to begin with since the habit has progressively gotten insanely expensive and we kept smoking. But, still if you're paying $5 per cigarette, eventually this is going to deter your cheating.

Rule 2 - You can't cheat in any comfortable place. You have to walk across the street and do it or you have to stand in the corner of your yard facing the neighborhood. No smoking in your comfort zone.

Rule 3 - You can't cheat with your real brand of cigarettes. If you're a menthol smoker only cheat with Golden Beach Reds or if you hate menthol's you can only cheat with those.

Special note to self: Cut some slack. This is a long-term habit with no short-term solution. Self-loathing never made you quit smoking before and it won't now.