Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Cinematic Conceit

Do you ever picture your life in the 3rd person? Like you watch your behavior from the outside to see how it looks?

I think lots of smokers would secretly admit there is a level of cinematic conceit about their smoking. Your smoking is dramatic or cool or something that looks attractive on film or in a commercial. Smoking is your prop and you're the star of the show?

Okay, I admit it. There is an element of cinematic conceit to MY smoking. I see the dramas of my life and a cigarette is always present. Sitting on a curb crying and smoking with a broken heart. Slamming a door in the heat of anger, lighting up with a flip of my hair. Deep exhales after sex. Rocking out in my carefree moment on the dance floor in my heals, with a cigarette in my hand.

Every emotion, every drama, every heart break, every pivotal moment, joy, happiness, sorrow - in my memory that plays the tapes back there has been a cigarette. And I'm attached to that. Smoking is attached to all the emotions of my life. My whole history. My whole story. Connected to smoking.

But, I'm willing to let it go. To give it up, we have to open the door for future triumphs, sorrows, emotions, pivotal moments to be smoke free.

Envision what you want tomorrow to be like and try to picture it without a cigarette. Can I let myself picture my daughter's wedding without me having to sneak out the back door for a smoke? Can I picture going to church and sitting through the whole service without needing a smoke break? Could there be a break at work without stepping out for a break to smoke?

Can I have my cinematic conceit without making smoking the prop? Could I have a moment without thinking about how it would look on film or in a novel? Can I just live a life without the conceit?

Can you?

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