Saturday, November 3, 2007

End of Party

So, I've been off Chantix and smoke-free for quite a few months now.

When I turn at the gas station by my house - where I used to stop every day to buy the single cigarillos I allowed myself to cheat with, amidst the begging from my child to "please don't go buy any cigarettes Mommy!" I feel no temptation to stop. In fact, I don't ever want to buy gas or a drink there ever again. It's a source of shame.

But, after the 4th round at Wing Stop with good company last night - well, I wanted a cigarette then. I even contemplated picking up a butt off the ground. (Please, like you were above smoking a strangers butt in a pinch. Smoking is a humiliating addiction.)

But, I thought of going back to the nightmare of having to smoke and thought of how I hate feeling like a total failure all the time and how I hate being a negative influence on my children and all the real pain smoking causes.

I took a deep breath and chose not to smoke. Maybe at the end of the a great evening out I'll always want one. I hope eventually that will go away.

But, at the end of an evening seems to be when the tempting lie - you can have just one right now, no harm - rears it's deceptive head.

But, I don't believe those lies anymore. Do you?

No comments: